Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Gotta stop sobbing now

God. On the subway this morning I was standing in front of a poster for the Boston Police Department. Pictured was an officer and his dog--part of the K-9 unit. This naturally led me to ponder the nature of police dogs, and then, not so naturally, about those that have fallen in the line of duty. And then I started to cry. For real. I'm insane.

But it's not just the idea of dead dogs that are setting me off. I need to stay off the message boards, too. Every time I read about someone else's success I tear up. In happiness? No. Because I'm feeling sorry for myself and wondering why it can't be me. I know it's the progesterone, but the crushing despair I'm feeling today is overwhelming. There's no way it worked. Despite the bounty of eggs retrieved at ER, I do think this was my worst cycle yet. One embryo? Out of nine eggs? It's shameful.

I'm seriously considering going to straight to the Famous Clinic in NYC for the next cycle. This shit is wearing me down.


The Town Criers said...

I'm sorry, Lady. Though it's not the famous clinic for nothing. Would you be able to give it a try?

Glad I found your blog today.

Lady Disdain said...

Well, there would be all the extra hassle involved in cycling out of state, plus figuring out insurance, but yes, it could be done.

Anonymous said...

This may not mean much, but after a second IVF cycle that included an increase in Gonal-F (from 300 to 450 for about 12 days) and the addition of Luveris, they retrieved a scant 7 eggs, of which only four could be fertilized. We ended up with two embryos: one grade "B" and another grade "C" (I have a feeling it was more in the “D” range, but they probably noticed my anguish and decided to spare my last little feeling). I was in tears after the retrieval when the nurse told me that they aspirated only 7 eggs (my first round, without all that extra stuff, they retrieved 12). I was equally as fragile when the nurse called to say that I had only two embryos and that they were scheduling me for a day-three transfer. The day of the transfer, my eyes welled up with tears when I saw my little embryos. All I could think was, "The first round, we had two high-quality blastocysts and those didn't take. What chance do I have with two weak little day-three embryos?" My RE, bless his heart, reminded me: "You only need one." Well, so far my beta has gone from 21 to 84 then 245. I underestimated my little embryos; don't you underestimate yours. I hear a fighter in you and I know, as well as most of us who monitor these blogs, that hope does not always spring eternal. For many of us, that well has run dry. I'm writing to tell you that no matter what, keep believing. With a second cycle that was technically worse than the first, I conceived. I'm not sure how far we'll get. But I hope and pray that we'll see a heartbeat in a few weeks. And while you may or may not be on speaking terms with God right now (for that matter, you may not even believe) I will pray for you/send you good thoughts. I wish you all the best.