Wednesday, April 18, 2007

The hard part

I feel so naive.

I thought that the hard part was three years of trying to conceive with nothing to show for it except doctors' bills and the complete evaporation of any modesty I may have been born with. I thought that the hard part was the two week wait for a positive beta. I thought that the hard part was the week long wait between betas. I thought that the hard part was the following week of waiting for the first ultrasound scheduled for 5w6d.

But after an u/s that showed a properly placed gestational sac, a yolk sac, but no fetus or heartbeat, I realized that the hard parts just keep on coming.

The sac measured 5w2d, and the tech said it was "right on track" and too early for a heartbeat. My RE agreed and assured me that the fact that it was measuring 4 days behind was "nothing to worry about." Next ultrasound is next week. I'll be 7w2d.

"Nothing to worry about." Balls to that. Frantic googling has indeed proven that a +/- of 3-5 days at this stage seems fairly normal. But that's scant consolation when I check the message boards and read about all of these people who are as far along as I am and seeing heartbeats.

The real issue is that I walked into the clinic one smug bastard. I was convinced that I had an overachiever setting up house in my uterus--I was getting + HPTs at 10 dpo! How about that 37 hour doubling time between betas! Of COURSE I would see a heartbeat and a sac that was measuring at or ahead of gestation.

Shamefully, when we walked in and the tech cautioned us against expecting a heartbeat, I boasted about my early implanter and confidently informed her that I thought we would see something. She smiled indulgently and when the dildocam did it's magic, said with what I think was a certain amount of satisfaction, "Yep. Too early to see it."

Awkward.

So now I'm waiting. And it's hard.

32 comments:

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Hey just checking in to see what's up with you. I hope its all good.

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This blog is several years old but still up...thank you. I'm currently in my 2ww after 5 failed ART cycles. I love your voice and wonder if you're writing anywhere else at the moment.

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